Update

Well, I’ve been avoiding this post for quite awhile, but after checking out my stats, I see that lots of people have been clicking on the “fertility front” tab. I don’t want to keep people hanging, so here goes..

I miscarried again on my last embryo transfer (January), and we are done using my body as an experimental pin cushion. I was getting IVIG infusions every few weeks, doing constant blood tests and monitoring, using experimental Neupogen injection, blood thinners, shitty steroids that made me fat again in short order, and the list goes on…  I’m done. Almost seven years of trying, and I am done trying to get my body to do what seems to be impossible.

I miscarried like a champ.  I even went on vacation while it was happening, and managed to catch the products of conception in the bathroom at ‘In N Out’ burger on the drive home. I had a moment where I just realized that I was handling it like it was any other moment. My “normal” was now traveling with a miscarriage in my purse while on vacation. It’s time to be done. The fantasy of being pregnant needs to be put to rest. I’m tired. Coming up on seven years of trying to get pregnant, and I am done.

Right now, I am focusing on my husband coming home from deployment, our big plans for my son’s 9th birthday gift (trip to Disney World) when his dad is back home, and amazing friends who have been unbelievably supportive.  I have always said that I have the best cheerleaders, and once again they were right there for me even though I didn’t let them in on what was going on until after the miscarriage.  This time around, I chose to tell almost no one about the cycle. Not my best friend, not my family, basically only my husband (who was overseas on deployment) and a couple of people who are currently in similar situations. It’s not that I had a problem with anyone else, but I was just SO sick of talking about it.  When I found out I was pregnant again, there was no point in sharing it. There is no joy in telling someone, “I’m pregnant…for now.”  The disclaimer would always be implied for anyone who knows me. I just got sick and tired of talking about it.  My infertility has totally consumed and defined me, and I’m putting it to rest. My body is now artificial hormone free, and that is how it will stay.  I will still envy pregnant women and those who joyfully announce a pregnancy without fear of loss, but I will get through it.  I will find ways to be happy for them as I have always done.

I will still tout the benefits of paleo, as I have seen what it not only can do for me (weight loss and marked improvement in blood work), but so many others in my infertility paleo group. Many of them are seeing improvements with weight, autoimmune disease, and general well-being. It’s great to see people who thought it would be impossible to actually get out there, do the “impossible”, and love it.

To my amazing infertile warriors, your strength knows no bounds, and I will continue to be a cheerleader for you.

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7 thoughts on “Update

  1. I’ve missed seeing your posts and wondered where you went. This sucks you had to go through this again. Thinking of you and thank you for sharing your story. You’re one hell of a strong woman.

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  2. I get it. All of it, every word. You don’t know me but I am giving you huge hugs. Just at this very moment I would love to scream out to the hilltops that actually there IS such a thing as being “a little bit pregnant.” I’ve followed your struggle, but more so have loved your recipes. I checked in on your blog today to get some new ones actually, and read this. Which was sort of a sign from the universe, because someone was saying I should seek RI diagnostics, and I have been reluctant to. And reading your words was important for me this morning, so thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I am so sad to hear this. You have helped me so much through my losses. I understand being done. I haven’t even been through as much as you and I’m ready to move on and find a different path to motherhood. Please keep in touch. I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I too am sad to hear this but congratulations on making a choice that is right for you. Blessings upon you and your family as you let go of a dream.

    Liked by 1 person

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