ARGGGG!!!!!

Well, the fact that I have been slacking has officially paid off. Sarcasm all around, here. I did bloodwork this week to determine next steps. I started paleo in August 2013. I started the immune testing in March 2014. At that time, I had elevated natural killer cells, but was proud as punch that I was one of the few reproductive immunology girls with cytokines that were low.  These cytokines are normally involved in cellular toxicity directed at cancerous cells and viruses. If increased in early pregnancy, the presence of NK cells and their cytokines can disrupt the growth and development of the embryo. Between March and August, the cytokines remained low despite the miscarriage. They are an indicator for inflammation (an immune response) in the body. It was always a good thing that mine were low. Since the miscarriage in August, I have definitely not been committed to the paleo. I lost faith on many days, and pulled myself up to make something new and interesting only once in awhile. To be honest, for the first time I am actually accepting that we may never have another child. Accepting it doesn’t mean I don’t want to eat a bagel and cream cheese to ease my pain though.  I can ALMOST say it without crying.

Anyway…the point is that the only thing that has changed since my last cytokine blood draw days before the miscarriage is my commitment to the paleo. Now, my cytokines are “high”.  I have just now created a problem on top of those that already existed.  Awesome. Guess I need to seriously recommit if I want to get back on the wagon for my last three embies. I’m just SO, SO tired. I want to fast forward to a time when I know whether or not this journey will ultimately end in failure. I want to move on.  I’m sick of allowing myself to hope only to have it smashed to pieces. I’m seriously running on fumes.

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3 thoughts on “ARGGGG!!!!!

  1. My heart aches for you too. I don’t have any words of wisdom, but I wanted to recognize your pain and frustration and let you know that you are being held close in love and support.

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