Where to begin…my single frozen embryo transfer went great, and I had a positive pregnancy test only six days later with beta hcg levels (pregnancy hormone) rising steadily and rivaling one having quadruplets. We had a great heartbeat at 6 weeks, went on a road trip with friends, and had a 9week ultrasound yesterday showing no heartbeat and growth stopping somewhere in the days prior. It is déjà vu all over again. The lovenox, synthroid, and three rounds of IVIG infusions yielded the exact same outcome as last year when I was taking none of the medications and was forty lbs heavier. Nothing that I have done has mattered. I am deeper into advanced maternal age (36), spent more money on a fruitless endeavor, and now I wait to miscarry and hope that there is a genetic abnormality that caused all of it. Sounds crazy to hope for a genetic issue with my baby doesn’t it? At least if that is the case, then my body did not attack the embryo and everything I have done over the last year wasn’t all for nothing. If my body is responsible for the demise of the embryo, yet again, then I think that we are out of options. I don’t think that I can take my three remaining embryos and put them into a body that is destined to destroy.
Clearly, I’m not in a great place, but I’m trying to keep it together. At least this time, my eight year old was unaware of the pregnancy. At least it is one less heart broken. I am currently plunging myself into anti paleo foods, and of course it makes me feel like shit though that seems apropos. My mind and body are now on the same page.
My hope is to miscarry at home (with the help of some prescribed medication and narcotics) and we will have the remains tested again. Now I wait. At some point, I have to put the big girl panties on, but right now I am just mad. I want to burn the fucking big girl panties. They are a symbol of devastation to me. Whenever I have to put them on, it means that a dream has died, and those fucking big girl panties are what is left in the aftermath. I wish I was like my husband. I swear he has those panties tattooed to his ass because he never has to put them “back on”. They are always on. He is way tougher than I, though I suspect that he holds it together not only for his own survival but for my own as well. I am convinced that he is not dead inside (I tease…he has a heart bigger than most). One thing that I have felt from both miscarriages is all of the love from so many people. We have so many cheerleaders around us that put their hearts into our journey. One thing that I definitely do not feel is alone. Thank you, thank you, thank you to all of our cheerleaders. We really have felt all of the prayers and well-wishes. It really does make it suck just a little less.
Some may think that it is too soon to be writing about this. I really don’t give a crap what someone else would think at this point, but I will explain my motivation anyway. This blog is part for my emotional growth, and part for helping others. Writing this helps me to work through what I am feeling (not to mention it saves me from having to tell people face to face, which is usually accompanied by the dreaded ugly cry). The blog is also for others out there who are going through infertility and loss. I am a member of enough infertility support groups (IUI, IVF, PCOS, reproductive immunology…) to know that there are so many people out there going through this who truly do feel alone. I’m not the first to miscarry and am far from the last, but not everyone is lucky enough to have the support that I have. Sometimes you need to hear from someone else that it SUCKS. I’m not going to blow sunshine up anyone’s ass and tell them that it will all be fine and the next pregnancy will go the distance. Sometimes it doesn’t, it’s a bitch, and it fucking hurts!
I will probably update after the miscarriage. Some people really do want to know about that experience. I have several friends who have found themselves in my position of carrying a baby without a heartbeat and not knowing what is to come next. Most people do not discuss what a miscarriage at this gestation at home truly involves. 9 weeks is the “cutoff” for miscarrying at home (according to my doctor) as opposed to a D&C, and though it is no walk in the park, I don’t want others to have to face it with fear of the unknown. I’m nothing if not blunt, so there are many who may want to skip that next post.