The “cheat” weekend.

Since I started paleo, many people have asked whether or not I feel better or different than before starting it.  I always thought that I felt fine before and that I did not notice much of a big difference with the exception of my sleep quality and cycle-related symptoms.  I was delusional.

After another failed natural cycle, I was feeling pretty sorry for myself and wanted a “cheat” weekend.  The only things I felt that I couldn’t adequately “paleoify” were deep dish pizza and my mom’s pasta carbonara.  These are basically my two favorite things to eat.  I decided that after three months and ZERO non paleo ingredients not to mention entire meals, I wanted a break…and boy am I regretting it.  I have now been 36 hours on foods that I had decidedly cut out for the last three months and I am MISERABLE.  I feel so exhausted that I can barely keep my eyes open and my head up.  I woke up many times on Friday and Saturday nights, and I have a general “icky” feeling.  During my three months of paleo, with the exception of the first week and a half of detoxing (when I had fatigue and headaches), I rarely felt tired, slept like a rock, not a single headache, and had zero digestive issues.  This is really the opposite of what I am feeling now, and in hindsight was quite an improvement over my pre-paleo existence.

I thought that I could feed my disappointment with food, and it was just a bad idea.  If nothing else, I feel worse for myself than I did on Friday when this non-brilliant idea of “cheating” came to me.  We are moving to a new home and were faced with whether or not we should keep the “nursery” or have a guest room.  We chose to give away all of our baby stuff and have a guest room for family when they visit.  I feel like for the first time I am really resigning myself to the idea that we may not get to have another baby.  It is difficult and sobering.  We haven’t given up completely, but keeping a nursery for the last five years certainly hasn’t brought us luck.  Maybe not having one will.

I’m obviously feeling sorry for myself, but I have learned a few things.  First, I am very fortunate for what I have, and though I may not get what I had hoped for, I have a lot to which I can look forward and be thankful.  We are moving into a much nicer home in a neighborhood that is amazing.  It will be a huge improvement in our quality of life and a safer place to raise our son.  I also learned that my body is really unhappy with foods that are outside of the paleo scope.  I’m actually not sure how I survived feeling this way (which I know I did) before the doctor recommended paleo.  Even if I do not get to fulfill the dream of having another baby, I will be a healthier and more energized mom to my 7yo miracle.

I dread the next week when I will probably be dealing with detoxing side effects again, but I look forward to being back to my “paleo” self.  I am looking forward to having some energy and not feeling like absolute garbage.  I cannot wait to be all moved into the new house and starting fresh.  I will enthusiastically be back in the kitchen tomorrow and eating some really “good” food.

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